punch.

You know those days when you don't intend to do something bad and at the end you'll get your balasan?

I think today is subtly one of those days.

My bro went for a three-day camp today and left home at around 8 am. The unaffectionate sister that I am, I didn't even wish him goodbye this morning. Or even last night.
Yes, I have a reason. I woke up late (as always after going back to sleep in the morning) and I actually did want to send off my brother but.. overslept.

So when mama came back for lunch, she mentioned about the camp and my brother. My sister said

"Kak Dina ni, tak cakap bye kat dia pun.."

Mama pun kata, " Mama cakap kat Irman, we're all gonna miss you" then he replied

"But not Kak Dina."

adoii.

Kakak jahat. That would be a perfect label for me.

I have noticed my weakness a long time ago - I wasn't the caring, sweet, darling, affectionate eldest sister that I should be. And don't know why, but I can't seem to be the kindest that I could when it came to my siblings. Not that I'm totally evil, but almost I guess.

Thinking about changing myself, yes, memang. I always pray to God about giving me 'kelembutan' and merapatkan silaraturrahim between members of my family.

I know that Irman is a real good brother.. he's caring, patient and kind. He loves to joke around.. and so ada lah times when he cracks up some lame jokes but.. well, that's him. My brother.

Memang aku ni keras hati sangat kot.

Families like Iefa's, Elli's, Fina's.. wow. Close and everything. I just wish I could be a really good sister that my younger siblings can love and be proud of.

Entah-entah Irman tengah geram or sedih tentang kakaknya yang unworthy of that title.

I'm really sorry, bro.

Mm.. and that balasan part.

Somehow, I think I'm losing almost everybody's love or respect towards me. I feel like a cracked, faded gold medal that has been tossed in the pond that's stuck at the muddy bottom.

Oh how I thought that you'd be at least happy to hear my voice, since you said you'd call. Two weeks ago? Gave you moral support and wasted my money and time. I am happy and proud of you, and please, let me say my early congratulations to you.

You'll get another one in January, insyaAllah. Because even though you'll treat me badly, I still cannot just ditch you like anybody else.

Ripped out, torn, stamped on and going through a period of mending by sombre songs.

How did I get to be like this ?

Till the chip munks.